Make your own free website on
NEED4SPEED's Webpage(updated daily or hourly)


Update page
Dont click here
Past,Present,Future click here
Feeling leftout
My Links
Feeling leftout

How I feel, is it normal?To love someone,to care so much that you become so involved in her that you forget the reasons why I married her in the first place.Yes that might be true!To show that you love her is to buy her things,if your really in love you will show it to her.Telling her this is the best way I think to show true love.Spending time together is important,not watching her sleep the day away only to get up and watch her go somewhere without even a kiss good bye?That hurts!Sending flowers to her work places or just giving her a card for no special reason because you love her?Is it wrong for her to give this kind of love back to me?I dont think so,but it never happened.Now I think she feels I did not do much for her?maybe she's right,maybe not.I feel if she did more to show me that she loved me,I might not have had to ask her"is everything ok,or whats wrong".I used to ask her that 4 to 6 times a day!!!I just dont know...can you make love to someone like this and enjoy it or are you thinking about how much she really shows no effection with her love to me,before this.............

Did I miss the effection from you?My answer is where was the show of caring after our marrage.It seemed that you showed no interest after we got married(maybe even before).We said we loved each other and enjoyed each others company very much.I would come home after work and there would be no"how was your day?",no kiss or hugs.So I would say "is everything all right?"you would say ,"yes,there's nothing wrong I'm just tired".Well this went on for years and it never changed.I was the one to ask questions about her day.Even going to the stores you would go off in your own direction most of the time(my fault,selfishness).Either way I was getting this feeling that something is really wrong here,she could never confide in me and tell me what her likes were,what did'nt she like,there was a few times she told me things she did'nt like about herself,but thats was it.I felt like I did something wrong everyday we were married because I was shown no emotion from her,unless I cracked a joke or did something funny to make her laugh,thats it.I was living with a woman who I was very much in love with(and still is)just waiting for her to open up to me.I never saw her cry until years later when our favorite dog lost her puppies.That was it.Making dinners were great,she could cook real good but thats not what effection was(maybe it was and I missed it?)I did not want a sister to live with,I wanted a wife.Over time I felt like I was living with someone who really did'nt want to be married,but was scared not to be.I myself wanted a wife that loved as well as being loved.I waited hoping she would find herself and find peace with me.Maybe I was being to effectionet towards her but not when she needed it most,and thats just it,I needed it from her,even just a little would have made my day.Those days never came.........

"I'll try to answer these question"
Did I tell you for years,to get with the kids? "Do onto others as they have done on to you"Thats from your own childhood and thats wrong to do that.Sometimes you have to show that you love and care even though you never hear from them or they never even bother to call.Every child is a reflection of there own parent and its the parent who shows the child the ways of there own life.As you get older,your ways in life begin to show,and what your parents have instilled  in you and it makes you what you are today..............
What are the problems from not giving no effection?I dont think you can show it to anyone for long.I was givin mixed feeling about you,from you.You lost me because I think you dont care about me.I was laying in the hospital in CCU with a irregular heart beat,not knowing what will happen to me(very scared)and all you could say is "I'll see you soon"....Not even a "I love you"(after being married for so long) or not even a hug before they shocked my heart back to a normal rythim.Every one else there said some nice things to me and most of all was Chris saying that I love you dad made everything all right.She is the greatest girl in the world to me and I'm not going to let anyone make her forget about me.NEVER!!!If you cant give effection but only recieve effection,how long can a person live with someone like that.You could not even give me one hug in 14 years without me approching you first,and on and on and on it went.So if its the way you are,fine.I just wish that I was not so in love with you,I would have not been so blind and saw what I was missing for MYSELF,Dammit..
Whats first,knowing,then sex,then the relationship follows last?When all you want is sex,then thats what you get (from some people)Some people have or lost any value to the meaning of relationship,compassion showing that you really care and love someone.How do you love her when your not sure if she really love's you because of the way she is toward me.You showed me no feeling of love,you gave me a relationship with no effection,not even one consideration of showing you love me.Then I was suposed to have sex with you?Any person in this situation would have walked away from you unless they just wanted sex,nothing more,just sex.Well lets see now,in your world "as I see it"now,["Lets talk,go have sex,be friends,then see if we have any feelings for each other!]..........This is not my world and I dont see things in this way.Friendship comes first,then a commin interest through friendship which leads to romance and effection is then present at all times,not just before sex,only.A one way relationship leads to one person becoming concerned only for one's self,it makes you a person that only care's about yourself and the one's who really love you,you love them back .So does it feel like your not loved by someone that you think loves you?When you ignore someone(s)for many years,what do you think is going to happen when they get older,I think they call it a "bitter sweet ending"...................Phil
Did you really care?Lets think back.Sleeping is very important,but not for 15 hour,how many times did you meet the kids at the bus stop after school when you where not working?Getting them up for school?If your so happy!why then the look of hate all the time,only smiled when I asked you to,was that you in that car waving to me,wow,was that my wife?....."What else could I have done to make you happy"
Remember a few words that you said to me that ment so much?
Lets me just say this:
You say you want out!!Devose is what you want,you said.Thats fine because I really need to be with a woman that has no problem showing that she cares for all.We have spent to much time being alone with a woman who I feel is alone by with her self.Talk about being screwed,I know two or three people who have been screwed and they have to live there life's with that thought in there minds forever.This is the last "Sorry" I give out for "free"......
"The best for last,but always first"
Our kids are just like me,why is that?Buy spending time with our kids,going to playgrounds,maybe the fairs to,playing with them inside on a rainy days,sitting at the table and drawing funny pictures of each other,learning to ride a bike,playing ball with them,telling bedtime stories that I made up,caring about the trouble there in for something,being a parent first,caring about there school papers they brought home or the projects they created at home,just spending time playing house with them or racing little cars around the floor,going for rides in the car or to grammy and pops house just to visit,Yes and grounding them to,but still show why they were grounded,spending time is all thats needed and the kids will be just like yourself but showing them what is wrong about yourself,in your own way and when they have there own kids the value's will be past on to them.............Phil
"A story by Phil"
My story is fiction and its about a two little kids named were Jack and Diane.It was a cold night in April and it was raining outside as the two children stared out the living room window wondering what to do.They decided to play hide and seek,so Diane went to hide and jack had to find her,he looked everywhere but could'nt find her and he started to cry,he thought she was gone forever.Diane herd him crying and went to see what was wrong and Jack said I thought you were gone forever and thats why I was crying.Diane gave him a big hug and said I dont ever want to play that game again.Jack said your the best sister in the world.
6/9/2002 10:36pm
Well another day in the life from Shitville.Just when you think"what else could happen,its a new day"well just more shit hit the fan again(and not just my car either)it never ends.I wont say what happened but I can say I knew something was wrong with someone close to me and the fustration got the best of a great person and now its time for me to be the Asshole "I never wanted to be".If I just stopped it sooner instead of letting the years go by,this problem would have not happened and I think this close person to me would not feel the anger today.Tomarrow is a new day so I hope and pray all goes well.Just want to thank you for all the years of deception and distance from us,because now I have to change all that you did not do,but could have done if you cared more and you know who I mean because you are what you are and I think its time to heal all of us and put the past behind.
6/15/2002 at 12:16pm
Its raining out,that sucks.Try as you must,but I cant change the past and I cant change how he feels now.The only thing I can do is hope that some day soon I will be in love again with someone like the person I once knew.I cant go on and he cant go on in life thinking about the past,all that you missed out on,because he's comming to you and you deserve all that he says to you and then some!!As you play with our(me and the two kids) feeling for the past 8 month,moving out,moving back in,wanting to break up again,wanting to work it out,then us moving back out again is what I call "Head games"and having the balls to do this to 2 people who love you,comes from someone who is COLD and has "lost there heart for lust"You say "no" but I say "yes"because the way everything went in the last 8 months seemed like a plan you had when we found out we were getting a house1 1/2 yrs ago.Most people have told me(educated and devorsed people)"It sounds strange,that this happened at this time in your lifes"I dont agree or disagree with all advice but the facts are the facts...I know more than you think I do(or as you say"he just thinks he does")Well I'm not as stupid as you think!!You know I told you this, I have watched your reactions around the kids for many years and you did'nt know that until I told you that a few weeks ago."Well thats not the only thing thats been watched either" and I dont need to do that anymore,I've seen enough.Its a tough thing to love someone so much and yet deal with the problems you did'nt think I knew about.When they say"Love can make you blind"its true.Someone once told me"she's not a runner"I said"no she's not"I took her advice and did what she said I should try to do with you,and that did'nt work!! So I guess she was wrong.I tried to ask you to take some time off from work to spend it together,maybe to save our marrage but you said that "I cant do that".What really made me so mad is that when I moved out on Easter the following week you had almost a week off.